Valentine’s Day 2018


In all of nature, the female of the species requires her mate to compete for her, to work for her, to show off for her—and then she coolly chooses the male who most suits her fancy and her delight. You never see a wolf, tiger, or any other creature say to the male, “well, I guess you’ll do.” Socio-biologist Mary Batten says it like this, “unless subverted by deceit or usurped by force, the female of the species controls the game” (Sexual Strategies: How Females Chose Their Mates, p. 97).


American women, in stark and pitiful contrast to the rest of nature, seem to do the opposite. Catfights galore and competition abound for the perceived, “few good men.” Women are depressed and lost in love.  I hear it over and over, the same chorus, “if I’m so awesome then why did he leave, cheat, or otherwise break it off?” There are two possibilities—you didn’t capture his heart, or, he was a weak mate who could not tolerate your power. 

As to the first possibility: I once heard a webinar by a therapist who described the “giving pit,” that women often find themselves in.  There is a self-destructive impulse within almost every man to test you and see if you will become his mother.  It is your job to resist the urge to mother him at every turn. Treat him as an adult man and you will have a man take you to bed every night.   Keep picking up his socks or scolding him and you’ll have a sullen little boy on your hands in no time (that being said, some men may never resolve their mother complex, no matter what you do; learn to recognize when you are a victim of projection). 

Contrary to popular opinion and probably your mother, the subservient good girl who does everything for everyone does nothing but bore a healthy man. This behavior reduces you and him to tired stereotypical tropes of the unhappily married couple—that is, if you stay married.

As to the second possibility, nothing makes men more anxious and excited than a powerful woman. She incites all the myths of the witch, the mermaid, the goddess, the sphinx, and all manner of mischief.  She is uncertain and uncontrollable—all this excitement requires significant emotional maturity on his part because there are many paradoxes to hold in holding the powerful woman. And lesser men buckle under the pressure by trying to take you “down a notch,” or they become abusive—emotionally, physically or sexually.  Or they never try in the first place. To ask you out, or make you their girlfriend, or their wife. 

But men who were "never ready" for a relationship before will rise to the occasion of this woman because her love calls him to be more of a man than he's ever been asked to be before.

Betsy Prioleau, says,” [seductresses] strike terror into the insecure male heart…yet paradoxically seductresses are often the best thing to happen to a man. Contrary to fable, they’re usually femme vitales who put air in a man’s tank, conferring growth, creativity, happiness, and authentic masculinity” (Seductresses: Women Who Ravished the World and their Lost Art of Love, p. 2). When a man courageously faces his fears of engulfment and embraces the seductress, he will discover the king, warrior, lover and sage within himself. 

So for Valentine’s Day, whether you are single, married, partnered, divorced, or some exasperatingly and unnecessarily complex middle ground, I want every woman to begin romancing herself.  Stop being such a wimp.  Don’t scold your lover, seduce him. You didn’t get the flowers you wanted? Buy some or pick some or paint some. And remember that you are walking around with the most enchanting garden right between your own thighs.  For thousands of years before the patriarchal religions, humans worshipped the feminine form as the life-giver and life sustainer. The goddess archetype still holds our libidos and our hearts. Let’s invoke her once again.